OK. You know you need to talk about it. You can’t get your two cents worth in the paper, on TV or the radio. Come sit down, have some tea and roots and let’s just get this out.

Does anyone know what the rules are about trash pick up in Lawton?

Lord knows I’ve tried to understand.

The other day, my cans got stood up on their date with the sanitation engineers. I thought it was because the cans were filled slightly over the top. But, no. I later discovered stickers on the handles that said they were more than 35 gallon containers. Say what? Now I’ve had these cans so long, there’s no writing left for me to know how much they hold. And apparently I’m not the only one. Half the cans in my neighborhood did not get picked up.

So I called a city government official. Using my kindest squeak, I inquired, “Why &%$## lazy (*&^$ taxpayer *&%$@# come election time _+)*&%!!!

To which I was told: 3 cans max, 35 gallon max, or 6 kitchen can-sized bags. Bags cannot be overstuffed.  Cans may not weigh more than 75 pounds each. Must be either cans or bags; cannot be a mix by the curb.

Luckily I was writing this down, because I wasn’t sure I heard correctly. Cans may not weigh more than 75 pounds? What am I supposed to do? Go outside with my bathroom scales and try to… oh, you get the picture.

And that was just the beginning of the problem. That day there was a run on 35 gallon cans. I went to three stores before getting the last two at Lowe’s. All that extra driving was good for the environment. Not to mention my blood pressure.

Next problem. Now I’m stuck with a half-week’s worth of extra trash bags. Can’t over stuff the can. Can’t mix cans and bags by the curb. What’s a neat little hole dweller like me supposed to do?

Ah-so. It may be time for Ninja Prairie Dog to make midnight raid, and place stinky extra bags in front of houses of dishonorable city council members.

Any one else encountered trash can confusion?